I’ve been listening to New Order since Raf Simons SS18 Men’s Show.
And I am in love with “Ceremony”… It’s not my first time I heard this song (because Youtube’s algorithm and autoplay), but when I actually listened to this song, I had goosebumps and a reawakening of… feelings.
This comes in conjunction in finding a new character type that better reflects* my current self than the Dostoyevskian bitter despairing romantic. Related in content? Probably no. But similar in the way that it was also a reawakening of feelings, and I suppose sensibility, as well.
*(And when I mean reflection, I mean it in a worst nightmare kind of way.)
This song reminds me of the time I couldn’t get over so many songs by The Cure and had to spend my early mornings in a daze, listening with melancholy and feelings bubbling underneath.
But it’s not identical.
I am confident that this will happen again. That is, there is going to be a cycle of apathy and a reawakening of sensiblities. It all makes sense now—it was not the bargement (or in proper grammar, barging in) of rude and excessive emotion that caused my apathy. Even if it played a role, intimidating me to become less of a romantic (how surprised, yet accepting was I to find myself on a rocking chair so soon!) does it not make sense that changes in my concerns and goals would make me search for a new kind of sensibility? Similar in strain—but different?
(And look at me! My romantic language has returned! Oh, how I longed for, and yet just couldn’t reconciliate with the dash? How I simplified my words and sentence structures, finding myself feeling little and thus have little to say. Now I am back to speaking in the language world of my own—my monoglossia.)
This song is appropriate. It’s not a complete abandonment of the past, but it marks a new beginning (as cliched as it sounds).
Well, it’s right before the sun is about to rise with a orange line far beyond the horizon, when the sky is still bluish and dark and everything is timid, hesitant after a long night of something.